The First Step

Yesterday, I tried going into church for the first time since I got back to school. This would be my first time trying to go to church on my own free will. But I couldn't make it through the front door of the church.

I felt so discouraged when I couldn't bring myself to even cross the street; I just stared at the church from afar for 15 minutes in the cold. My fingers were frozen, my face was numb and my feet felt like ice- I was so uncomfortable standing there and I knew that the church would be warm and that they would have open arms but I was still willing to stand in the cold rather than go inside. After 15 minutes of silence, I turned back towards my school with my head down feeling ashamed, confused, and heavy-hearted. At this moment, my phone loaded the song I was trying to listen to on walk over and this song just solidified what I was feeling into words.

I've been in this shell
And I can't tell if I'm living at all
I've been doing well on my own
But maybe it's just me who I'm deceiving
Cause everything about me leads right to you

Oh, I want to get closer
But let me doubt a little longer
Till I'll turn it over and give in

It's love that I fear
Of falling so helplessly
Fear of losing, losing control

Cause whenever you're near, it's love that I fear.

Try, Melissa Polinar

That's when I realized that it really is the love that I fear. That's what I've always feared even in my relationships- I was afraid to give that person that part of me that allows me to be vulnerable in front of them. I know that God is the Almighty and His love is good, and it will last eternity, but the scars I've received from my earthly experiences are just really hindering me from going any further. I know that even through my fears that God loves me and He is watching out for me. This is the first step. This is just the beginning