The Good Feels But...

Today is such a wonderful day. The weather was absolutely gorgeous.
The sun was beating down on my skin, the wind blowing through my hair, and the birds singing their sweet nothings into the air. Like many other people, my mood is very closely tied to the weather and today I was just full of bliss.
I was also inspired. My design teacher brought us to her house to show us how we can be sustainable with almost everything we encounter. All her countertops, floors, windows, and even chairs were sustainable and recyclable. She redesigned her home to allow as much sunlight to come through and as a New Yorker, your air conditioner is like your holy grail- but she just pulled hers out and opened up the windows. To see this gorgeous house, full of story and life was awe-inspiring. (Just think about all those Pintrest and Tumblr pictures you see of just gorgeous natural furniture and times it by ten. That's her house.)

However, thinking about all this... It really put the question of the future on me.
Coming to an art university is like putting on foot into the real world. You understand (all too well) the value of money, the struggles of finding a job, and being stuck on a project for weeks only to have an end result that fell too short of your expectations. Sure, people will tell me, "But we all go through that in college. We all have to find jobs and blah blah blah." That's true. I'm in no way downgrading what students at normal university goes through (or even ivy students). However, going on Facebook or Instagram and seeing my friends going out during the weekday (or even weekend) and being able to party or spend hours at a time during the day makes me feel a little jealous.
The moment we start art college, teachers expect so much out of you. They expect you to be 'the next big thing'. We have to be if we want to make it in the art industry. You can't slack off cause you will fall behind, and the norm is now no longer good enough. (If you're Asian, you can definitely relate to this) Remember when you were in high school and your parents thought you were a genius and they wanted to cultivate that talent? So they made you go through hours of piano, hours of tutoring (you know, just to get ahead), and little playtime with your friends? That's essentially what it felt like to be here. Except your parents are now your teachers (but with less care, because its up to you), and your hours of piano and tutoring are in your sketchbook or in the woodshop. They expect you to excel farther than you are possibly capable of.

Still...
I will try hard. I will propel myself forward. I will excel. I will succeed. (That's the good weather for you, it becomes uplifting).

Until next time,
Miah x

The First Step

Yesterday, I tried going into church for the first time since I got back to school. This would be my first time trying to go to church on my own free will. But I couldn't make it through the front door of the church.

I felt so discouraged when I couldn't bring myself to even cross the street; I just stared at the church from afar for 15 minutes in the cold. My fingers were frozen, my face was numb and my feet felt like ice- I was so uncomfortable standing there and I knew that the church would be warm and that they would have open arms but I was still willing to stand in the cold rather than go inside. After 15 minutes of silence, I turned back towards my school with my head down feeling ashamed, confused, and heavy-hearted. At this moment, my phone loaded the song I was trying to listen to on walk over and this song just solidified what I was feeling into words.

I've been in this shell
And I can't tell if I'm living at all
I've been doing well on my own
But maybe it's just me who I'm deceiving
Cause everything about me leads right to you

Oh, I want to get closer
But let me doubt a little longer
Till I'll turn it over and give in

It's love that I fear
Of falling so helplessly
Fear of losing, losing control

Cause whenever you're near, it's love that I fear.

Try, Melissa Polinar

That's when I realized that it really is the love that I fear. That's what I've always feared even in my relationships- I was afraid to give that person that part of me that allows me to be vulnerable in front of them. I know that God is the Almighty and His love is good, and it will last eternity, but the scars I've received from my earthly experiences are just really hindering me from going any further. I know that even through my fears that God loves me and He is watching out for me. This is the first step. This is just the beginning